This Is The Worst Day Of My Life
by thatswrite
Summary: A satire of the Harry Potter movies and Daniel Radcliffe's acting. I love the movies, but there are many things to make fun of. So here's a journal from Harry's eyes. We watch him grow, whine, and even become bisexual.
1. June

Disclaimer- I do not own the idea of Harry Potter, but I own the physical journal this fanfic emerged from.

A/N- One day my sister Lexi, best friend Abby, and I were bored and picked up a blank journal and wrote in it from Harry's point of view. Lexi's entries are mainly perverted, Abby's make sense, and mine are dumb and usually have inside jokes that nobody really understands. However, there are other movie references, book allusions, and we have no idea when it takes place. Entries about teachers include Lockhart and Moody… but just go with it.

12 June

My name is Harry Potter. School is bad. But it is my only home. I have to go back. My parents _died_ when I was but a child. VOLDEMORT killed them. He is a MURDERER!

I have to go.

Kbye.

13 June

School is still bad. But today I saw Cho Chang. I think I fancy her a little. But the only one I told is my pet owl Hedwig. She has been my best friend since I got her. She was a gift from Hagrid. I have 2 other best friends, Ron and Hermione. And I have 3 just regular friends. Well I have loads of homework and whining to do. Good evening.

14 June

Malfoy and I got in a nasty tiff today. He pushed me in the hall and my books fell.

I yelled, "Cut it out Malfoy!"

He yelled, "Oh yea?"

I yelled back, "Yea!"

He yelled back, "Okay!"

I yelled back, "Fine!" and I ran away. I had to look for some stuff.

I found this: _"pipes"_. I believe it to be rather significant.

16 June

I am so very apologetic for not writing yesterday. I had double Potions and then detention with Lockhart. I used to hate him, but now I hate him more. He is really lame. Today Snape glared at me. It really upset me. I keep hearing voices in the walls. I wonder if they have anything to do with the school's dead chickens.

Probably not.

Later

On my way to the loo I heard the voices again. They said: "Kill kill KILL!"

I wish they'd say something a bit more cheerful, like "Party party PARTY!"

On the bright side, our school has a new P.A. system. Filch and Peeves are fond of using it.

Not together, though. I mean separately.

Nevermind.

15 June

Reading my other entries, I realize I never told you that I'm famous. Well, I am. VOLDEMORT tried to kill me when he killed my parents. I guess he wasn't able. I think I rather he had—finals are brutal. Hermione seems to enjoy them. Sometimes I wonder about her. Moaning Myrtle flooded the toilet again. Percy is yelling at me to get to bed.

'Night.

17 June

Today was rather eventful. First, I discovered that my handwriting changes profusely. Then I took a nap. I had a nightmare about VOLDEMORT. It was really scary. After that, Colin Creevy made up a song about me. It goes: "Look, over there! Harry flipped his hair! hehehehe!"

It was mighty embarrassing.

18 June

I noticed the marble ball at the end of my bookmark has gone missing. This greatly saddens me. It was so pretty. At least I still have the front cover to gaze at. And Cho Chang.

Ahh hang on—hard on.

Bloody hell. I'm in Potions. Why does this always happen to me? Like my briefs, they keep going missing. I imagine someone finds it a great joke. I don't. It's probably the omniscient fat black kid. Were he not so huge, I'd duff him up a bit.

20 June

Hermione is in the library a lot lately. Then again, what's new? Quidditch was cancelled. It's raining. I'm in History of Magic. Ron is snoring very loudly. Binns doesn't notice. Draco is being extra nasty lately. I think Hermione secretly has a crush on him. I just don't see it. Well, class is about to end. Astronomy is next. Can't wait…

Kbye.

21 June

Today at lunch I was gazing fondly at Cho and I thought she saw me because she smiled and waved in my general direction. So I waved back and not only knocked my pumpkin juice on my trousers, but I also made a complete fool of myself because she actually waved at Cedric DICKory behind me. I am so depressed and jealous. I can't even stand writing about it.

26 June

I am back from my depression, eating lunch before my last final. They have served us Mexican type food to be "festive." Personally I think it's odd.

Hermione is ragging on me to study. I think I will hide my copy of _Quidditch World _magazine inside my Divination book.

I am so clever.

26 June (later)

O man, Divination final was hard. Tea leaves couldn't take any shape and I kept seeing Cho holding hands with Cedric in the crystal ball. That's all.

30 June

LAST DAY! Bloody hell. I do not want to go to the Dursleys'. Grr. Now I am angry. I am going to miss my best friends.

And my just regular friends.

Later

I am on the train, sulking. Ron thinks a bloody box of chocolate frogs will cheer me up, HE'S WRONG!

I am that angry and bored.

31 June

This is the worst day of my life. Uncle Vernon shut me up in my room and Dudley keeps shouting insults through the door. I wish I could Avada-Kedavra-him. Hedwig keeps biting my ear. Dumb bird. She pooped on my Transfiguration book earlier. Light bulb just burnt out.

Just my luck.


	2. July

1 July

Blast it. Even Dudley gets phone calls. I wish my friends knew how to operate Muggle phones. Hang on, Hermione does. This is depressing me. Maybe I'll go watch Japanese Anime, HGTV, or C-Span, depending on who has the telly now.

Later

C-Span is so boring.

2 July

Petunia made meatloaf. I refused to eat it, so Vernon punished me by locking me in my room and turning off my air conditioning.

Later

It is so bloody hot in here.

Later later

Hedwig is sick.

Even later later

Ew. Owl pellets.

4 July

Wow. American Independence Day. Wish I had a tad of independence. Even Peeves would be good company now. Hedwig threw her feathers all over. It smells funny in here.

Later

Oh say can you sing by Don's earning light was to certain poor shepherds asleep in the night.

Hang on, that's not right.

Later later

Oh say can you sing by Don's earning light. Twas proudly we hailed.

Even later

Twilights gleaming.

Even later later

I like Coldplay.

I'm hungry. Perhaps I will make myself some spinach dip and a loaf of sourdough bread.

It is so hot in here I have resorted to turning a pair of Dudley's old pants into cutoff shorts for me.

6 July

Look, over there, Harry flipped his hair! Heheheh!

Later

Yesterday I was really craving an egg salad sandwich. So I made one. But we didn't have any bread. So I gave it to Hedwig.

Later later

Hedwig spit my egg salad into my face.

7 July

Why oh why does Aunt Petunia have to make meatloaf every week? And why do I keep talking about food? Actually studied today. That shows my boredom.

Later

Wish someone would write me besides myself.

Later 2

I think Hedwig is dead.

Later 3

She left a note. At least someone's written to me now.

_Harry, I can't go on with you anymore. Your boredom and depression have put me over the edge. I am not dead; I've only gone away for a while. Well, maybe for forever. I would like to settle down with Errol and have a few chicks before it gets too late. I hope you and the Weasleys will understand. –Hedwig_

I've gone completely mad.

9 July

Got a letter from Ron.

_Hey Mate! So I guess Hedwig and Errol are a thing. Bloody hilarious! Well Hermione just got here. When will you be here? Well write back. We kind of miss you! –Ron_

I think I am going to cry.

Later

Ron is a really messy writer. At least MY handwriting is LEGIBLE. Who needs him? Who needs Hedwig? Who needs Cho?

Later later

Hang on, I do.

Later later

I suspect Ron and Hermione have a thing. She always has to arrive way before me to the Weasleys'. They're probably doing it right now instead of writing to me. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Later later

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Later

I just finished reading an edition of _Chicken Soup for the Mother & Daughter Soul_. I cried the whole time. It reminded me so much of how I never had a mother to teach me all the things I need to know, like how to cook, sew, clean, pick out a wedding dress, have babies… It is so sad.

My slobber is a bit chocolaty on account of just eating a Tootsie Roll. I hope Dudley doesn't miss it. Well, going to watch _Maid in Manhattan_.

10 July

I really don't know how Ron expects me to write back, on account of Hedwig leaving me. I guess I'm stuck here forever. All this Muggle stuff is getting to me. Movies and books and all that stuff. Not enough magic around me. I think I have ADD. I'm craving a pastry.

Later

I sneaked down for a cake. Petunia caught me and poured her tea all over my head.

Later later

Hedwig came back, but only to steal my bread crumbs and leave pellets. I just might kill myself.

_Dear Diary, and anyone one of you who care about me enough to read this. I'm going to kill myself. Now I just have to figure out how…_

11 July

Actually I never got around to killing myself because I fell asleep watching reruns of _Everybody Loves Raymond_. And now I'm not in the mood to kill myself.

Oh well.

Later

France's Independence Day thing is today.

Later again

I bet Ron and Hermione are having loads of fun and sex without me. Damn them.

Later again X 2

Bad images.

13 July

I slept all day yesterday.

14 July

Why do they give us homework during summer? My home is Hogwarts! Waahh! Why am I FAMOUS? Bloody VOLDEMORT!

Later

I pulled out my old Quidditch magazines from under my mattress. I spent hours paging through them. I probably spent an entire hour on this one picture of Krum. He is so muscular I can't believe it. I wish I had those nice ripped muscles, glistening under his sweat. He wipes his forehead with the back of his large strong hand…

I think I'll have a spot of fruitcake.

Later

Still eating fruitcake. Thinking of Krum. I am so jealous that Hermione went with him. Hang on, what the bloody hell am I talking about? I mean I'm jealous that Cedric got Cho.

I learned something interesting but I seem to have forgotten it.

I'll compose a list: C's: Coldplay, Chudley Cannons. Cho. Chang. Cake. Cedric. Cosmopolitan. Casablanca. Chums. Collin. Creevy. Casper the Ghost. Care bears.

15 July

… Nothing to write.

Later

"

Later later

"

Later later later

Wish I could speed up time. Wonder what the spell would be… Acceleratime? Sure.

16 July

Home is bad. All I have is food. It seems as though Petunia and Vernon have forgotten the combination on the lock of the fridge, because they took it off.

Cantaloupe, here I come!

Later

More C's: Cantaloupe. Cats. Candles.

Later later

I really like candles.

Later X 3

M's: Money. Magic. Monopoly. Muggles.

10 July

Losing track of time… Wish Hedwig would come back. What day do we go back to school again? I'm delirious.

16 July

31-1615 days until my birthday.

I do hope someone comes to rescue me. I've been practicing moving my mouth around different ways in the mirror. I can never understand a word Johnny Depp says in _Pirates of the Caribbean_. I've been practicing talking like him and moving my mouth around different ways.

"My darling Cho, I have everything in the world: fame, fortune, loads of Quidditch talent, looks—only, I don't have you."

"I can't breathe."

"Oh Cho Cho CHO!"

17 July

I think I should become an artist.

Later

L's (things I like): Lunch. Lingerie. Legolas. Lamp.

Later X 2

I got a letter from Hermione today.

_Dear Harry, Of course I am having loads of fun with the Weasleys. But we are growing somewhat worried about you. Why aren't you writing back? Well, anyway, back to having fun! –Hermione_

I CAN'T BLOODY WRITE BACK BECAUSE MY BLOODY OWL ELOPED! Ooh, cookes!

Later X 3

I wonder if Cho thinks about me as much as I think about her.

Later X 4

I stubbed my toe.

18 July

I miss Hagrid.

19 July

If I had a bloody owl to send a bloody letter to Ron and Hermione:

_Dear Ron and Hermione, I have no bloody owl to send you a bloody letter! Besides, I'm sure you're having much more fun TOGETHER without me. Don't forget to use protection_.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Later

I punched a hole through my wall. I can see into Dudley's room now.

Later again.

I've patched up the wall. Turns out being able to see into Dudley's room wasn't beneficial anyway.

Later

You should see (you should see) what's on HGTV!

21 July

Now I wish I hadn't patched that hole. Maybe I could have watched Dudley play video games.

23 July

Little more than a week until I get my letter from Hogwarts. If they remember me. Why doe Dumb-Dumbledore send me here every summer? 2 months seems like 2 years.

26 July

I lost my journal for a few days. I was sad.

27 July

Grrr I am so angry at Ron and Hermione.

Later

I got a paper cut.

30 July

Nothing interesting to write about… So I didn't… And wont' come to think of it.

31 July

Finally got my letter. What good it is that I can't go to Diagon Alley for my books. And I doubt Vernon and Petunia will take me to the train station. At least they got me a birthday present. A dead twig infested with bugs.

Later

Happy birthday to me. Ron and Hermione sent me a measley card and cake and a really cool Quidditch book and some candy.

That's it.

Later later

Hedwig stopped by to retrieve her food dish.


	3. August

1 August

I JUST WANT TO GO TO RON'S AND HAVE FUN WITH THEM! WAHH!

Later

"All by myself… don't wanna be all by myself! ANYMORE!"

Later later

I am fucking mad.

Later later later

As in angry.

Le 1 août

I started teaching myself French to pass the time. Perhaps if I can learn enough by Septembre, I can transfer to Beauxbatons. At least there I won't have any competition in getting a fille (girl). And they are all quite attractive. Perhaps there I will meet some better friends.

Later

I've started my letter informing DUMBledore of my transfer.

Professor-  
I find Beauxbatons School of Magic, France, more conducive to my learning needs.  
So long,  
Harry Potter

Later

Imagine the looks on Hermione's and Ron's faces!

Hermione: "Better get your robes on Harry! Aren't you excited for then ear year?"  
Ron: "I know I am!"  
And I'll say: "Je ne parle pas anglais, pardonez-moi. Je vais aller à l'école Beauxbatons. Adieu.

Later

What would the male Beauxbatons uniform look like? I hope I won't have to wear a dress. I wonder if Dudley has any crayons.

3 August

BLAH!!  
That's all I have to say.

Later

How do you say that in French?

In

5 August

I fell asleep.

6 August

Actually I wouldn't mind wearing a dress as long as I didn't have to prance around PIG PIMPLES and put up with my "best friends" and even my "just regular friends."

Later

Letter from Ron:

Harry-  
So you're never writing back letters and Hermione and I have come to the conclusion that you are either angry or dead. So we're coming to get you. We are worried sick, so I guess we'll come on, about, um… August 29th.  
-Ron

YAY! MY FRIENDS STILL LOVE ME! )

Later later

Worried sick? August 29th? WTF?

29  
-6  
equals  
23 days until "freedom"

10 August

So anxious that I forgot to write for a while. Hope they decide to come early.

Later

I never expected I would journal this much… am I this creative or do I really have this much going on in my head?

11 August

I found the marble bead! I've stuck it back onto the bookmark. I do hope it stays. I have written 48 pages. I should become a writer! I'll write about all my harrowing encounters with VOLDEMORT! I'm sure it will be a bestseller, even in America.

12 August

I got a phone call today, but I asked my secretary (Petunia) to take a message. I am too occupied with my book.

15 August

Haven't been out for days. The place has a God-awful stench about it. My relatives are trying to lure me out with food and supposed TV privileges. Suckers, I'm not that thick! I've made some good progress on my novel. When my friends come, I think I will have Hermione proofread it. In private, though. I don't want Ron to be jealous that he's not quite cool enough to write his own autobiography.

16 August

Obviously I am too engrossed in my autobiography to concentrate on what I am writing in here. I am very angry at my "best friends." Ron and Hermione have not written in 10 days. Hagrid hasn't written at all. And Hedwig ELOPED.

Later

I just realized that Hedwig is the only one who knows of my feelings for Cho. And she hates me now. She abandoned me for a 502-year-old OWL!  
I hope she doesn't think of blackmailing me. Literally.

Later later

I think I'm going to go wash my elbows.

20 August

Been so busy with my autobio that I haven't had the chance to write. Writing this autobiography has really made me think about my life… naturally. I do believe I'm a right bit stupider than I thought I was. But now how I realize that I miss my parents so. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia have given up on the bribes. They think I've gone mad. Wouldn't be the first time.

Back to writing…

21 August

I suddenly feel exasperated. I threw my quill down in anger at my notebook. I stormed around my room for a bit. I did some math

29  
-21  
equals  
8 days until certain persons arrive to pick me up.

22 August

I wish my journal was a portal to a different place than my festering room.

I'll ask it.

Do. You. Know. Anything? About. Being/Becoming. A. Portal?

23 August

Still awaiting my journal's reply.

24 August

I have a certain feeling it's not going to answer. Five days. Hedwig has come back. She won't look at me or talk to me though. I talk to her all the time…read her my autogiography outloud. I don't think she cares for it. At least she hasn't pooped on anything later.

Later

My knuckles itch.

August 25

Americans write their dates funny. Funnily…?

Later

4 days. What am I so excited to see my "friends"? They don't care about me- they probably won't even come.  
And if they do, well I won't let them in. I am feeling very independent since I've begun my auto.  
And I'm so hip that I abb., too.

Later later

I am excited for Ron and Hermione to come so I can tell them off. And so I can show them that my voice has changed for the 5th summer

Ron: "We're here!"  
Moi: "Who?"  
Ron: "Your friends!"  
Moi: "Unfortunately for you, I am no longer your friend. In fact, I have no friends. I have become an independent being since I vhae begun an intriguing tale of my life. Plus I am learning French."  
Hermione: (shocked)

Yes, I am rather excited.

Aug- 26

Only 3 days till the big telling- off. I have started lifting weights to make me look more sinister.

Later

Just got back from exercising. I chugged a Gatorade, wiped off my mouth and shook my hair out in a very sexy manner. I think I will be on the doorstep when they come I will do this for them.

Later

I hope they bring Cho with them for I think she would find it very attractive. I dfon't know why they'd bring Cho, she's much too cool for them, but it doesn't hurt to dream!

27 August

I have to pee.

Later

Hedwig is done giving me the cold shoulder.

Later later.

I think she's pregnant. That would explain her mood of the week.

Hmm…

Later.

SICK! Owl sex!

28 August

Only 1 day!

I can't sleep with excitement.

29 August The Big Day

I started my morning with my usual exercise routine: 5 pushups, 5 sit ups, and 20 jumping jacks. Those are my favorite.  
I discreetly packed, and went out on the stoop to wait, grabbing a spot of breakfast.

Later

The marble ball has gone missing again.

Later

It's bloody hot outside. I've dranken all my Gatorade so now I have none to chug sexily when Ron and Hermione pull up. I suppose I could refill it with lemonade or something.

Later

Now I'm out of lemonade.

Later

Will they every show up?  
Bloody jerks.  
I supposed they've set this up as some sort of cruel joke- leave me to rot outside in the heat.

Later.

I've spotted something in the hedge.  
I hope it's the Grim.

Later later. Later later later…later.

It was just a rabbit…wait until Aunt P. finds out a rodent has been living in her garden..  
OH MY GOD, I SEE BROOMS!!!

Later Xs like 12

Turns out I was so excited to see people who actually like…know the real me that I dropped the whole telling off thing. Now I'm at the Weasley's We'll be going to Diagon Alley tomorrow to fetch all the supplies. Can't wait to spend my crapload of money on frivolous things.  
Need some sleep. Ron is snoring AGAIN. Just might shove a pillow down his throat.

P.S. – I had Hermione read my autobiography. She didn't care for it either so she is going to rewrite it to become a biography. Whatever. As long as I still get money from sales.

Later

Because I'm not rich and famous already, or anything.

30 August

Obviously Ron and Hermione had enough sex this summer, because they're kind of spending time with me. But I'm being independent. I don't think they've figured it out, though.

Later

Ginny's boobs have grown.

Later later

Ron and Hermione are bugging me. They don't realize that I need to hid out in my fame and fortune.

31 August

They've tried to convince me to go out shopping with them. I realized this might present an opportunity to greet my fans and get publicity out about my bio, so I went with them, in the end. We are crammed into the Weasley's second Ford.

I can't wait until I have a personal limo.

Later

Maybe I'll make Ron drive it.

Later later.

And I could go on fancy dates with Cho.


End file.
